Growth

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My capstone is a summary (more or less)of the work I've been doing on myself over the past 3ish years and what I have learned over that time. At first it was more physical, but it turns out that way more work had to be done mentally. It was originally longer but I trimmed out parts that weren't needed and now it's in a state that I'm proud of!

Discipline beats motivation 100% of the time. This phrase has come to be so incredibly meaningful and encompasses my whole journey of personal growth. Over the past 3 and a half years I've been in the pursuit of being the best version of myself I could be. At first this was physically, and while that is still important to me it has developed into more of an exploration of who I am. I've faltered countless times along the way and I'm sometimes more on top of it than others, but I've never quit. This is due to not motivation, but discipline. Too often there is a thirst for motivation when there are things that need to be done; while motivation is an incredible thing, relying on an emotion that can come and go to do a steady stream of tasks is a recipe for failure. This lesson is such a blessing to come across so early in life, and that paired with knowing that the goal is not to end, or finish, but to endure and grow was instrumental in tapering my anxieties, and negative emotions that hindered me so much. They're not gone, they never will be, but having that massively negative and over critical voice quiet down in place of a more reasonable will enable me to pursue my goal which is currently to go into a profession that helps others, and ironically enough work harder.
    I say ironically because on some deeper level, I thought that worrying about anything or being self critical somehow made me at least feel like I was doing something. The reality is, that even though I was so convinced that feeling more about something added something to that "conversation", the thing itself was completely disconnected from my thoughts in the first place; I was attaching all of these feelings to it. This was a struggle to grasp and still can be sometimes, do to the thought of "But I'm feeling it so intensely, so it must be true!" but most of the time never is. Knowing this has made me love that sentiment of discipline always beating motivation. It applied so well to so many aspects of my life. I mistook it at first as some cold unfeeling philosophy I need to adopt, but ironically again I was applying my feelings to it in the process of working on it! I have some metaphorical demons that still haunt me and were rooted in very young. They're very self destructive, and if there's anything unique about me or something doesn't meet this impossible standard I created then I despise it about myself. But very recently I'm learning that I should do the opposite with these things and celebrate them. Experiencing certain emotions in a healthy way was so foreign but I'm so incredibly grateful that I’m scratching the surface of that.
    All these things can be applied to everybody, but it's important to note that what I focus on is incredibly personalized, it's not a better or worse way than anyone else's at fighting your inner demons but it is my way. This is another area that being disciplined has helped; subconsciously I've always felt that the unique qualities I had were inherently negative and had to be gotten rid of, or changed. It was just understood that those qualities were worse in my mind, but I've been battling that thought consistently. I can never fully dissolve it, that's not my goal really, but I am learning through consistently working on it that I am special because of those qualities, not in spite of them. Those qualities will help me in the field of work I go into, in my fitness aspirations and my relationships. That is a major leap for me and is definitely a milestone in my journey of growth.
    The consistency that I've developed is the only reason I've made progress. I've often thought that if people spent as much time as they do trying to get motivated to do something but instead on the thing itself, they'd be where they wished they were. It removes emotion from the equation which in this aspect is very helpful. It makes it very logical and removes the guilt, if you want to for example run a 5k, you either train and get there or it doesn't happen. That initially scared me, because it put that responsibility on me, and with the mental scars from childhood I believed I couldn't handle it. I thought that all the way through me reaching my goal of being at a healthy weight, and it was validation to the stronger parts of me and was proof the weaker parts of me weren't based in truth. The moral in this is that if you’re one of the people that still struggles to experience negative emotion in a healthy way it can handicap you in very crucial parts of life. This is where the value in discipline is for me, while scary due to the potential guilt of failing- the affirmation of my own ability can supersede that.

This ties into my main point of this whole thing, my goal has shifted a few times and has now landed on me conquering my inner demons and letting the real me grow. In that past it always had something I needed to change about myself- the problem always lied in me. This led to me subconsciously thinking I was broken, or a mistake in some way. In actuality I should be trying to stifle that negative and overbearing voice and let the unique me prosper, which was such a fear. This doesn’t mean to not develop at all, it’s in fact the main goal, it means that kindness to yourself, and compassion and understanding to yourself is the true strength; not being overly self critical and destructive- that is in fact a very easy thing to do. You have to learn how to identify those roots of self destruction when they appear, and find how deep they go to fully come into a healthy relationship with yourself and your emotions.

I’m so thankful I started this whole journey to begin with, it has taken probably twice as long as I thought to get to here, but being where I am- the speed doesn’t matter to me. There is no deadline to hit, the only thing to do is to let your innermost self be fully actualized and be truly proud of it. This does in the end accomplish the romanticized goals i’ve been chasing, but now that it’s not so ‘all or nothing’ I feel I have those goals for the right reasons. I really needed those things to be true at the time, I NEEDED to be skinny for example, but once that thirst for it was gone, I seemed to get it. Having such an unquenchable thirst for something usually means it’s the last thing you really need. This more healthy mindset will be instrumental is me studying to become a nurse and in me pursuing harder and better things!

One last thing I’ve learned that has changed the way I look at difficulty is that life is hard, and always will be. The sooner I realize and internalize that, the happier and better prepared I will be.It will never be easy and that’s not the point, in fact it’s good that it’s hard! Humans grow most through friction in life, but with my deep rooted fear of difficulty and believing that I can’t handle something, and that i’m being boxed in, I made a hard thing even harder at a time when I couldn’t handle ‘hard’ to begin with! I kept reacting like I was surprised there was difficulty, but if you expect and prepare for it, you’ll be ten times more prepared. As was mentioned earlier, none of this learning could have happened without a consistent effort to grow. Motivation came and went, but the consistency is what led me to be where I am.
Profmohn.jpg
George Mohn 2020
House Career & College
Advisor Korie Johnson
Plans RSU, Nursing
Advice I think that really making it about something you're already passionate about is super important. It's only as much extra work as you make it really. My paper is fairly concise but it's the accumulation of work I've been doing for a long time. Don't write it off immediately and finish it in the end, dig deep and figure out what you want to do and incorporate that.
Type Presentation
Discipline Language Arts

How It Began

A poster-board paired with a paper I'd write on learning how to learn.

How It Changed

I had to ditch the poster-board aspect due to the circumstances, and my goals for me have evolved majorly since it was assigned as well. That lesson of learning how to learn is still very important, but now it's more focused on discipline and being emotionally healthy.

Reflection

I learned a lot about me, and the "demons" I have. I feel not near as powerless as I did to them even just a little while ago. I'm learning to heal the mental things that need to be healed and grow in a healthy way, and not feel like a core part of me is a mistake and has to be hidden away.